jiwa kusut

huwmph. bukan tak nak update. tapi, too much stuff going on lah.

1) tomorrow is my first day in college. swear to god, I am nervous. I pee and pee and pee almost all the time. furthermore, now its my THAT time of month, red flag bak kate red mummy. tomorrow will be the second day, so I'm worried because my mood will change in just a blink of an eye. with period pain. could this get any worse?

2) Mak tak sihat okay. She havent been eating, nasi to be exact for a bout 2weeks I think. She's fatigue. Dia kate dia takde selera nak makan. Last week, she had to babysit Oni for 3days straight. that cute 7months baby is getting naughtier everyday. and Mak is 59yrs old this year, so, she doesnt have that much energy anymore. huwmph. I'm worry about her. tomorrow she'll be alone and I jsut hope nothing bad will happen. Baba said he will bring Mak to her Gynae and do some medical checkup. I dont know what wrong with her. She's like doesnt have any appetite anymore. All she did was drink. She drinks a LOT. I mean it, so its good la. at least she doesnt dehydrate but then she still weak. I bought her some glucose so she can drink. glucose gives our body energy right? so, she did drink it. Theres horlicks and oats. so, tomorrow I wanna wake up early and make something for her before I leave to college. yea. spirulina helps too.

3) lately, people kept talking about Qayyum, so, I'm like...*sigh* and yes, THAT time of day came couple of day ago. you know, hari rindu2 tu lah. shit kan. I hate that when it happen. but I cant control it. It just happen. so, fuck it la. make myself busy. that day, Daus asked me some, I call it stupid, question. "eleeeh. kau still cinta2 sayang2 kat yum lg kan kan? haha. ngaku je la." shit. watafak. it happen because he asked me whether its true or not that the place that I'm studying is neares to Yum's and I'm like not that near but its hell near to her GF's house. and today, I went out with Chin and all of a sudden she asked me " kau takut tak tibe2 kau terserempak dgn Yum dkt sni?" and I'm like. what. thats the last think I want to happen okay. please. its been, 6months I havent seen him, and its been 4-5mnths I havent talk to him. so, yes. it scared me Chin.

4) Chin wanted to meet Pole today, haih. its not that I dont want to see him but you know, I'm not ready. I'm scared that I might be you know, baik2, elok2, and having fun with him and I tend to forget about all the shit things he did to me. bkn nye berdendam tp tanak la. I can be close to him again if I want to, but No, I dont want to. not anymore, I mean, not now. please. my heart has stop bleeding but still, the wound hasnt dry yet. and luckily, we didnt meet him. He told Chin that he had Dengue. ahahaha. yea rite. to be honest. I dont believe it. sorry. I dont know why. yes, I know its mean, but I dont believe every single word that he said anymore.

5) Baba is acting kinda selfish. Actually, the reason why he doensnt allowed to to stay in hostel because he wanted me to do his work. Help to be nice. I dont mind actually, only if he ask nicely and doesnt clash with my busy time. He hardly asked me about college stuff okay. just work work work. huwm. bkn la ape kan, but at least, be considerable. mcm sekarang, takpe la. I'm ntot busy yet. assignment sume takde. but later on, who knows. ntah lah. get used to it.

6) to Memy and Kak Leen, you guys are GROWN UPS. so, act like one of it okay. Memy, Ii'm sorry if I put it wrong but I think its time for you to find a nursery for Oni. kesian Mak okay. with Baba nagging about it and with Mak conditions, so, be more senstive. jangan tersentap pulak taw. nooo, no okay. its for a long time plan, so, you should start now. and Kak Leen, dont sent too much laundry here. haha. penat lah nak mesin baju and good things, you lipat baju everyday. and I hope you can go back home early and spend less of your time here on weekends. Mak Baba bising especially on Sunday because sometimes you arrived early from Cik Enon's. so, Kak Leen, Memy, I paste this on blog. so, no harsh okay. Its from you baby sister, you know, the one yg pemalas and tak bule harap tu. but apparently, I think like grown ups too. I LOVE YOU BOTH OKAY. 'till death do us part :)

7) as for myself, I know what to do. yes, I will focus on my study and I hope I can stop thinking about Yum lesser and lesser. No cries, no thought, no remembering. just a smile, because he is so my past. and yes, I will take care of mak okay. I know my responsibility. kak Leen , Memy, malas2 Ya ni bkn nye Ya tak penah buat keje langsung. I will when I have to. I know my responsibility towards my parents. dulu2, mse lps mak operation pun, Ya yang jage Mak kan, so, no worries lah. I do it but not in front of you guys and Mak hardly knows it but I do it. okay. people, stop telling me what to do, I already know it. Theres too much going on in my life so, hearing people tells me what to do or nagging about me will only make me become rebellious. so,just shut it. I just need to focus on my studying because I am indeed to get a really great pointer for this first semester and since my brain hasnt been working really well in academic to be specific, so it takes a lot of hardwork. and with me staying at home wth a lot of entertainment and attraction to lose my focus, so, its getting really really hard. I need to force myself. I have to. compulsory.

8) when my red flag turns to white, I want to pray 5 times a day so that my heart will be calm and soothing and my life will be more blessfull. Insyallah

toodles.