Building a New House

It's 12.37 a.m in Melbourne and I am sitting all alone at the hall in this apartment. Everybody has gone to bed while I'm writing my blog, with earphone stuck in my ears, loathing out a remembering song titled I Remember sang by Mocca.

Its really weird because my lips just wont stop smiling *pause* and just now, I just set my Creative Zen Micro Mp3 player playlist to 'repeat track'. Yes, I am listening to the same song over and over again.

As today, its March 28th, 2008. It'll be last day here in Melbourne, Australia. Tomorrow, March 29th, 2008 at 3.30pm, I'll be flying off in 8hours flight to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Home sweet home is it? My home is sweet, really sweet. Only God knows how I miss my family

Sometimes when I'm alone, I'm thinking and wondering, how can I get here? I have never imagine myself being away from my parents for such a long time. I have never imagine myself being thousand miles away from my parents. Never Ever in my entire life. But here I am now and frankly to say, I really like to stay here. As in permenantly. Selfish? I'm sorry.

I've been through a lot. Yes, I am not suffering from any kind of abusive, any kind of family crisis or any kind of juvenile crime. I am suffering from a total mentally breakdown. I am suffering from a total emotional breakdown. I am suffering from a devastating of livingness. No. I WAS sufferring from a total mentally breakdown. I WAS suffering from a total emotionally breakdown. I WAS suffering from a devastating of livingness. It had happened and I learned my lesson.

I have it all. Great families, supporting friends, superb bestfriends and adoreable boyfriend. Yes. I HAD a boyfriend. Its not a big deal. I'll be 18 this year and girls on my age DO dating. Please. Do not be shocked. Its normal. VERY normal.

Things went wrong when I lose it one by one. I found out that one of my supportive friends backstabbed me. I have found out that my superb bestfriends been bitchy towards me and my adoreable boyfriends was actually gone. Hard is it? With SPM just around the corner. I really thought they can lift my spirit up but eventually is totally the opposite way.

But, things just keep getting better. I started to face the fact that people make stupid mistake and they can have the second chance. I face the reality eventhough its hurt. I tried to get them back in my life and I did. I even get my boyfriend back, but not for long.

Everythings happen for a reason. Thats the only phrase that I can truly live with it. When my boyfriend left me, I felt empty. Yes. I still had my families. My friends are always with me but nevertheless, it isn't complete. But its okay. I confessed that I did some stupid actions in order to made myself feeling better but it wasnt worth it. Again, everythings happen for a reason. *whispering to myself

My life was really hard after he leave me. We are bestfriend before until one day he made a decision to take it to another level. I was worried but I trust myself. Everything is gonna work out. I tried so hard to keep the relationship going on. Soft but strong. Rough but smooth. Hard but enjoyable. Pain but happiness. I've tried my best but still, negative response.

Yes, yes, I know. I'm only 18 and theres a lot more to come. Just move on and forget the past. It's easy to said but it definitely hard to do it. Believe me. Get yourself in my shoes then you will know exactly how hard it is. Our relationship is serious. Plans and hopes and future. Gone

As for now, I'm getting better. I went to Melbourne with my broken heart and hoping that it stop bleeding. Alhamdulillah, it did. It leaves scar but I've covered the scar with beautiful memories. I started thinking on the positive sides. I lose him, but I gain other happiness. I got the chance to go to Melbourne and my SPM result wasnt that bad. BTW, I didnt lose him. He lose me, right?

I'm a karma believer. He left me like I'm some piece of sh** and one day he will get it back. I gave him all. Love, life, soul but I guess, that is still not enough. Ah! Who cares now. I have absolutely no regrets in lives, just lesson learned. But you know what, if I got the chance to be with him eventhough for 10mins and I definitely know that I'm gonna get hurt at the end of it, I'll take it. Call me stupid, I won't mind because I know I am. As I'm listening to this song, I felt happy, remebering our moments together. Ya Allah, thank you so much for giving me chance to get to know him, even for a while.Thank you. You lend him for me, just for a while but it's okay. I get through with it.

Now, I am moving on. I want to be the new Amira, not the old one. I want to be the one that is willing to take risk and think optimistic about her life. But I admit, my life has been exhausting. Mentally and emotionally exhausted, but it's okay. Take it easy. Take it slowly. I want to wake up every morning smiling, not crying, I want to think about my future, not my past. I will be strong, not weak. I want to build my life again, ditch the peoples that gave me the pain in my live and still hanging with the peoples that kept on striving with me.

10 days in Melbourne brings a lot to me. He is my past. He is my memories. He is my ex-boyfriend. To him, I pray for your happiness everyday. You wont find the other me. I'm not losing you. You are losing me.

For everybody else, thank you so much. No names to be mentioned. You know who you are. I am so over him. OVER.